Revelations Revealed

Ravings of a Madman

John of Patmos believed that the things that he wrote about would happen soon, within his own lifetime. The book of Revelation was written for, and addressed to, various angels. After nearly 2000 years, believers still believe that "the time is at hand" and that the events described in Revelation will "shortly come to pass."

It doesn't seem to occur to anyone that John was as mad as a March hare. If anyone were to write this frenzied tosh today they would be committed to a lunatic asylum.

For example...

False Jews are members of "the synagogue of Satan", and John knows where Satan's seat is.

Jesus is coming with clouds.

"Every eye shall see him," including those who executed him. Everyone will "wail because of him." But millions have lived and died without ever seeing him coming "with clouds." Jesus has white hair, eyes of fire, feet of brass, and has a sword sticking out of his mouth. Jesus holds seven stars in his hand. John thought of stars as being small, perhaps even small enough for Jesus to hold in his hand. Repent – or else Jesus will fight you with the sword that sticks out of his mouth.

Jezebel (whom God had thrown off a wall, trampled by horses, and eaten by dogs) is further reviled by John, saying "that woman Jezebel" taught and seduced God's "servants to commit fornication." Jesus will "cast her into a bed, and them that commit adultery with her." Those who obey God/Jesus until the end will rule everyone else with an iron rod. They'll even get to smash the others into pieces. God recommends that you wear "white raiment" so that "the shame of thy nakedness do not appear."

John sees four beasts, each with six wings and "full of eyes." God created predators, pathogens, and predators for his very own pleasure. One of his favorite species is guinea worms. John sees a dead lamb with seven horns and seven eyes. He explains that the seven eyes "are the seven spirits of God." God gives someone on a white horse a bow and sends him out to conquer people. God gives power to someone on a red horse "to take peace from the earth... that they should kill one another."

God tells Death and Hell to kill one quarter of the earth's population with the sword, starvation, and "with the beasts of the earth." The martyrs just can't wait until everyone else is slaughtered. God gives them a white robe and tells them to wait until he's done with his killing spree. The sixth seal is opened and there is a great earthquake, the sun becomes black, and the moon red, the stars fall from heaven, and mountains and islands move around.

144,000 Jews will be going to heaven; everyone else is going to hell. "Washed their robes, and made them white in the blood of the Lamb" Those that survive the great tribulation will get to wash their clothes in the blood of the lamb. The angel throws the censer down to earth, causing thunder, lightning, and earthquakes. God sends his angels to destroy a third part of all the trees, grass, sea creatures, mountains, sun, moon, stars, and water. The fourth trumpet smites one third of the sun, moon, and stars. An angel flies through heaven screaming, "Woe, woe, woe to the inhabiters of the earth."

The fifth trumpet sounds and another star falls from heaven. The angel is given the key to a bottomless pit, containing smoke and powerful locusts. All the grass is killed but only those men which have not the seal of God on their foreheads." God tells his angels not to kill them, but rather torment them with scorpions for five months. Those tormented will want to die, but God won't let them. Horse-like locusts with human heads, women's hair, lion's teeth, and scorpion's tails appear from somewhere. They sting people and hurt them for five months.

Four angels, with an army of 200 million, kill a third of the earth's population. An angel tells John to eat a book. He does, and it tastes as sweet as honey. But later it makes his belly bitter. Anyone that messes with God's two olive trees and two candlesticks (God's witnesses) will be burned to death by fire that comes out of their mouths. God's witnesses have special powers. They can shut up heaven so that it cannot rain, turn rivers into blood, and smite the earth with plagues "as often as they will."

After God's witnesses "have finished their testimony," they are killed in a war with a beast from a bottomless pit. Their dead bodies lie unburied for three and a half days. People will "rejoice over them and make merry, and shall send gifts to one another." After another three and a half days God brings his witnesses back to life and they ascend into heaven. When the witnesses ascend into heaven, an earthquake kills 7000 men. This was the second woe. "The third woe cometh quickly."

The dragon's tail smacks down to earth one third of the stars. (To the author of Revelation, the stars are just little lights that can fall to the ground from the sky.) The devil, after he is expelled from heaven, is sent down to earth to wreak havoc on its inhabitants. John sees a sea monster with 7 heads and 10 horns, with "blasphemy" written on on each head. It looked like a leopard, except its feet were like a bear, and its mouth like a lion. The beast goes to war against the "saints". He is given power over all nations, and all non-Christians worship him.

John sees another beast coming out of the earth with horns like a lamb and a voice like a dragon. He could do "great wonders," like make fire come down from the sky. The people make an image of the beast that can speak. Anyone who refuses to worship the image is killed. John says that wisdom is knowing that the mark of the beast is 666. Everyone will be marked on their right hand or their forehead with this number. Only 144,000 celibate men will be saved. (Those who were not "defiled with women.")

"Seven angels having the seven last plagues; for in them is filled up the wrath of God." "One of the four beasts gave unto the seven angels seven golden vials full of the wrath of God." Those who were being burned to death by God didn't repent "to give him glory."

Three frog-like unclean spirits come out of the mouths of the dragon, beast, and false prophet. They are miracle-working devils that gather kings to fight in God's upcoming war. The great whore has "committed fornication" with all the kings on earth. Everyone else is "drunk with the wine of her fornication." She sits on a scarlet colored beast with the usual 7 heads and 10 horns. She carries a cup full of the "filthiness of her abominations" and has a big sign on her forehead saying: "Mystery, Babylon the Great, the Mother of Harlots and Abominations of the earth."

"And I saw the woman drunken with the blood of the saints, and with the blood of the martyrs. And the ten horns which thou sawest upon the beast, these shall hate the whore, and shall make her desolate and naked, and shall eat her flesh, and burn her with fire." God will send plagues, death, and famine on Babylon, and the kings "who have committed fornication with her" will be sad to see her burn.

The "great whore" corrupted the earth with her fornication. Jesus Christ, God's chosen King, will destroy this world at Armageddon. With eyes aflame, many crowns on his head, clothes dripping with blood, a sword sticking out of his mouth, and a secret name, Jesus leads the faithful into holy war. An angel calls all the fowls to feast upon the flesh of dead horses and human bodies, "both free and bond, both small and great."

The beast and the false prophet are cast alive into a lake of fire. The rest are killed with the mouth sword of Jesus. The dragon is the Devil, and Satan. An angel locks up Satan for 1000 years. Those who don't worship the beast will become priests and reign with Christ for 1000 years. The rest of the dead will remain dead until the 1000 years is over. When the thousand years are over, God will send Satan to deceive us all. God will send fire from heaven to devour people. And the devil will be tormented "day and night for ever and ever."

Whosoever is not found written in the book of life will be cast into the lake of fire. All liars, as well as those who are fearful or unbelieving, will be cast into "the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." Dogs [homosexuals], sorcerers, whoremongers, idolaters and along with anyone who ever told a lie will not enter the heavenly city. Anyone who adds to the words in Revelation or to the rest of the Bible will be struck with plagues, and anyone that tries to remove anything from it will have his name removed from the book of life.

So I'm well and truly buggered. How come I'm not trembling?

Revelation chapter and verse