The Church of the


"And Jesus cried out again with a loud voice, and yielded up His spirit. Then, behold, the veil of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom; and the earth quaked, and the rocks were split, and the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints who had fallen asleep were raised; and coming out of the graves after His resurrection, they went into the holy city and appeared unto many."

Matthew 27:50-53

The Church of the Risen Saints is the One True Church. Only WE have all the answers. Only WE worship the Lord Jesus Christ in the correct manner. Jesus forbade praying in public yet all Christians either pray, or have prayed, in public. Their attitude is "Fuck you Jesus, we'll pray whenever and wherever we like."

Jesus instructed heterosexual men to cut off one hand and gouge out one eye or risk the fires of hell. So that's what we do. Painful, inconvenient, but what's a bit of agony compared to burning in hell for eternity? Jesus recommended castration "for heaven's sake" and so we surgically remove our testicles.

Jesus saw slavery all around him yet failed to speak out against it. He advised slave owners against dining with their slaves but to make the slaves wait for their food. His parables frequently glamorized slaves being brutalized yet not one word of condemnation from Jesus. This proves that slavery is OK by God and so we kidnap slaves and give them a jolly good spanking.

Jesus instructed his followers to hate their families, and so whenever it's their birthday we send our mothers and fathers, sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, tickets to 'Ready, Steady Cook'. Take that you evil relatives!

Jesus condemned adulterers to an eternity spent writhing in the flames of hell. As for what constitutes adultery, Jesus upped the ante. Not only sex outside of marriage but any woman who divorces and remarries is guilty of adultery. Any man who divorces for any reason other than adultery and remarries is guilty of adultery. And so we set light to anyone caught with their knickers down.

Jesus hated anyone who wasn't a Jew. When a Canaanite mother begged him to cure her ailing daughter he said, "It isn't right for the Master to cast the children's bread to dogs". Yep, he called the little girl a dog. "But Lord," pleaded the mother, "Even dogs get the scraps from the master's table". Jesus tossed a scrap of healing at her and strode off. Now as much as we love Jesus, and as much as we want to follow his instructions to the letter, we do have a problem with this. What we've decided to do is toss food scraps to anyone who looks like a dog. Whenever you see us on a street parade tossing stale buns hither and thither, you'll know it's symbolic of Jesus' treatment of the dying Canaanite child.

We talk to trees. We do that because Jesus flew into a rage when a fig tree refused to produce fruit out of season. Jesus cursed the vegetation to death so whenever we see a tree that we don't like the look of we insult it, we call it rude names. Sometimes we even piss on trees.

Jesus drove 2,000 pigs to commit suicide in an effort to cure a mentally challenged man of multiple demon infestation. And so, to show that we haven't forgotten, we demand a slice of bacon with our Big Macs.

Jesus warned that a camel has more chance of passing through the eye of a needle than a wealthy person has of entering the kingdom of heaven. Wealthy Christians ignore Jesus, "Fuck off, moron! Go boil your head." The Vatican, with its staggering wealth, its gold, jewels and priceless art treasures, pisses, shits and vomits on everything Jesus stood, fought and died for. So every Easter we collect buckets of camel dung and post it to Cardinal George Pell.

Furthermore we demand that all churches return land and property to we the people. Churches don't need it because praying in public is forbidden. Jesus owned not one square inch of land, and nothing except for the clothes on his back. Oh, and a pair of Dunlop economies. Therefore the institutions that set up in his name should follow his example. Besides, we need St Mary's Cathedral to house our slaves. Don't disappoint Jesus!

Jesus insisted he had come to NOT to change but to uphold the laws of Moses, and so we reserve the right to stone you to death if you have committed adultery. In fact if your daughter fails to bleed profusely on her wedding night you must drag her to the gates of the city and have the men of the city stone her to death.

Failing that, sell her into slavery, although you'll get more money for her if she remains a virgin. Virgins are in big demand. Having slaughtered mothers, fathers, male children including babies, Moses instructs you to kidnap the pubescent chickidees and keep them for your own use. God encourages you to grab slaves, mistreat them, drill a hole through their ear and chain them to a gate post, trade them, bequeath them to your children. We chain ours to the bed post. Makes more sense.

If you suspect your wife of adultery, poison her. If her thigh rots it means she's guilty and you must stone her to death.

We also reserve the right to stone you to death for working on the Sabbath. God's Sabbath is Saturday by the way, not Sunday. The Emperor Constantine changed it from Saturday to Sunday to appease the pagan sun worshipers. "Work" includes even the most menial task, not just paid employment. God instructs us to stone to death anyone caught collecting firewood for warmth or cooking, and so if we catch you washing your car or cutting your lawn on a Saturday, get ready to duck!

God instructs us to murder witches, and it's up to us to decide whether or not you are a witch. All feminists are witches as well as female politicians and librarians. They must be burned at the stake. Men who preach the gospel on the pagan day of worship are witches and so they must be separated from their scrotums and hanged.

Drunken and disorderly youths must be stoned to death and I'm sure you will agree with that particular order. 'Abominables' must be shunned and left to bleed. "Their blood shall be upon them." Anyone who worships any God other than Jehovah must be slaughtered. That includes Hindus, Buddhists, Shintos and Scientologists. Fortunately for Moslems they get spared but they have no chance of entering the kingdom of heaven as they haven't been baptized. They are condemned to hell along with the aforementioned and along with atheists and agnostics. Jesus hath spoken!

Blind people, cripples, transsexuals, gentiles and bastards are Biblicaly forbidden to enter God's sanctuaries but we've applied for and been granted special dispensation. Regardless of their condition members of the 'Church of the Risen Saints' may enter God's sanctuaries but only on Fridays and on condition that we wear balaclavas.

Finally, God insists that we slit the throat of sheep and rams and sacrifice them to his glorious self. He loves the aroma of burning flesh. After all, that's why He preferred Abel's offering of roast lamb to Cain's offering of fruit. And when Noah roasted thousands of animals after his sea cruise, God was creaming himself with olfactory ecstasy. He forced mothers to boil and eat their own children to appease his wrath. It's a bit of a compromise but we hold regular Friday night barbecues where we sacrifice at least one Coles sausage to the Lord. New converts to the One True Faith are invited to join us.

Zombie on...