The Church of the

RISEN SAINTS

ALL REMARRIED WOMEN ARE ADULTERERS

"But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery; and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery." Matthew 5:32

MOST REMARRIED MEN ARE ADULTERERS

"And I say unto you Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery; and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery." Matthew 19:9

ADULTERY THE NUMBER-ONE SIN

"Thou knowest the commandments, Do not commit adultery, Do not kill, Do not steal, Do not bear false witness, Defraud not, Honour your father and mother." Mark 10:19

GOUGE OUT YOUR EYE

"And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell." Matthew 5:29

Ah, now we're getting to the nitty-gritty. So the punishment for adultery is hell, but if all we've done is glanced at a woman lustfully we can avoid the fires of hell by plucking out one eye.

What about masturbation?

AMPUTATE YOUR HAND

"And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell." Matthew 5:30

CASTRATE YOURSELF FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE

"For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it." Matthew 19:12

DON'T PRAY IN PUBLIC

"And when thou prayest thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are; for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy father which is in secret; and thy father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly." Matthew 6:5-6

ETERNAL DAMNATION FOR NOT FEEDING AND CLOTHING JESUS

"Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels: For I was an hungered, and ye gave me no meat: I was thirsty and ye gave me no drink: I was a stranger and ye took me not in: naked, and ye clothed me not..." Matthew 25:41-43

WAR NOT PEACE, HATRED NOT LOVE

"Think not that I am come to send peace on earth, I came not to send peace but a sword. For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man's foes shall be they of his own household." Matthew 10:34-36

So much for the 'Prince of Peace' nonsense.

"Suppose ye that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, Nay, but rather division." Luke 14:51

FIREY LITTLE DEVIL

"I come to send fire on the earth; and what will I, if it be already kindled?" Luke 12:49

A clarification of this can be found in the New American Standard Bible

"I have come to cast fire upon the earth; and how I wish it were already kindled." Luke 12:49

THE FAMILY BREAKUP MAN

"He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me." Matthew 10:37

Jesus was clearly in love with himself.

"And every one who hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life." Matthew 19:29

MOST CHRISTIANS CONDEMNED TO HELL

"Why speaketh thou to them in parables?" He answered and said unto them, "Because it is given unto you to know the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it is not given." Matthew 13:11

BURNING THE WICKED

"Nay, lest while ye gather up the tares, ye root up also the wheat with them. Let both grow together until the harvest: and in the time of harvest I will say to the reapers, Gather ye first together the tares, and bind them in bundles to burn them: but gather the wheat into my barn." Matthew 13:29-30

"The Son of Man shall send forth his angels, and they shall gather out of his kingdom all things that offend, and them which do iniquity. And shall cast them into a furnace of fire; there shall be a wailing and gnashing of teeth." Matthew 13:41-42

Notice the sense of demonic delight ?"...a wailing and gnashing of teeth." That'll teach them for not paying attention! Even Hitler used to shoot his victims or gas them before burning them.

Then just in case you didn't quite grasp it the first time, Jesus repeats himself...

"So it shall be at the end of the world; the angels shall come forth, and sever the wicked from among the just. And shall cast them into the furnace of fire; there shall be a wailing and gnashing of teeth." Matthew 13:49-50

OK Jesus, we get the message. Your cup of glee runneth over.

LET THE GENTILE SCUM "THE DOG" DIE!

And behold a woman of Canaan came out of the same coasts, and cried unto him, saying, "Have mercy on me, O Lord, thy son of David, my daughter is grievously vexed with a devil." But he answered her not a word. And his disciples came and besought him, saying, "Send her away; for she crieth after us." But he answered and said, "I am not sent but unto the lost sheep of Israel." Then came she and worshipped him, saying "Lord help me." But he answered her and said..." Get this dear reader...

"It is not right to take the children's bread and cast it to dogs."

The desperate mother – the "dog" – refused to give up. She continued to plead...

And she said, "Truth, Lord: yet the dogs eat the crumbs which fall from the masters' table." Matthew 15:22-27

Eventually, with the crowd getting restless and overhearing every word, Jesus is shamed into casting a spell over the "dog's" daughter, but too late to convince me that this man was anything but a heartless, racist pig. I am filled with loathing and contempt for any healer who refuses to help a child simply because she happens to be of the wrong race. And so would you be, were you just for one moment to engage you brain, to see beyond your conditioning, and recognise this man for what he really was – scum.

KILL THEM

"But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me." Luke 19:27

SLAVES TO BE BEATEN

"The lord of that slave will come in a day when he looketh not for him, and at an hour when he is not aware, and will cut him in sunder, ("cut him in pieces" – New American Standard Bible) and will appoint him his portion with the unbelievers. But that slave which knew his lord's will, and prepared not himself, neither did according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes" Luke 12:46-47

TWO THOUSAND PIGS COMMIT SUICIDE

And when he was come out of the ship, immediately there met him out of the tombs a man with an unclean spirit.... For he (Jesus) said unto him, "Come out of the man, thou unclean spirit." And he asked him, "What is thy name?" And he answered, saying, "My name is Legion, we are many."... Now there was nigh unto the mountains a great herd of swine feeding. And all the devils besought him, saying, "Send us into the swine, that we may enter into them." And forthwith Jesus gave them leave. And the unclean spirits went out, and entered into the swine: and the herd ran violently down a steep place into the sea, they were about two thousand and were choked in the sea. Mark 5:2, 8-9,11-13

So two thousand pigs were drowned to save this one nutty man. This has got to be one of the most stupid stories in the New Testament. If Jesus was such a smart cookie, how come he needed to destroy a massive (and utterly unbelievable) herd of pigs? Couldn't he have told the unclean spirit, spirits, devils – whatever, to simply bugger off? Notice that the pig farmer's reaction is not recorded.

CORPSES ARISE FROM THE GRAVE AND GO WALKABOUTS

I love this story, it's the best-fun story in the entire Bible. Jesus, when he had cried again with a loud voice, yielded up the ghost. And behold, the vail of the temple was rent in twain from the top to the bottom, and the earth did quake, and the rocks rent. And the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints which slept arose. And came out of the graves after his resurrection, and went into the holy city, and appeared unto many. Matthew 27:50-53

Isn't that great! Corpses – probably dripping maggots – cruising the streets of Jerusalem and appearing unto many. I love it! Eat'cha heart out, Stephen King! Even Bram Stoker would've been hard pressed to come up with a better one. And, as saints are a 6th century Catholic invention, it's all the more remarkable.

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